And now...
The ultra-cool Alex J. Cavanaugh has challenged bloggers everywhere to come up with a list of the 10 Worst Movies Ever. This was too much fun! Here are my picks:
At the risk of insulting Matrix fans everywhere, this movie (the final installment in the Matrix trilogy) was a strobe-light honey for me. You know how it goes. You're at the club. Hot guy's watching you from across the dance floor. It's dark, you're drunk, the strobe lights are pulsing, he's a reasonably good dancer. So you do a little bump 'n grind. An hour later, the lights go on, and you realize you've been rubbing up against Gollum the whole night. All that foreplay for a big fat letdown.
I had such high hopes for the movie, because I liked the book (written by Michael Crichton). But I could never suspend my disbelief in the theater. You just knew the little actors inside the gorilla suits were about to pass out from lack of oxygen, and I spent the whole movie wanting it to end so they could take the damn suits off already and breathe.
One large, lazy dude who couldn't walk fast enough to get back on a train that was going three miles an hour at the beginning somehow managed to spark a whole movie about an unstoppable train? No. Just… no.
This movie scared the bejeezus out of me when I was a little girl. But I watched it again as an adult and can only conclude that I must have been a slow kid, because this was the stupidest movie ever. It wasn't scary, it wasn't suspenseful. Not all of Stephen King's stories translate well to the big screen.
It pains me to admit I've even seen this movie, but I watched it because I was rooting for Kelly Clarkson during the first American Idol season. Between Justin's terrible hair and the awful dance sequences, I have permanently lost brain cells. If the statute of limitations hasn't run out, I may just sue to get them back.
Neither George Clooney's intense jaw-clenching nor Mark Wahlberg's pecs could save this movie for me. It had potential – hundred foot waves, bunch of hard-working Massachusetts boys fishing to pay the bills – but everybody dies at the end. It's supposed to be a true story, so who told the tale? Their ghosts?
I'm so grateful there was never a Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues. This movie just wasn't believable. Fred Ward, a grizzlier version of Richard Gere, couldn't make Remo interesting. Joel Grey, who played his Yoda-like mentor, was a little man wearing guyliner and pound of pancake makeup. And the adventures? Not so adventurous.
I'm a fan of Mike Myers, I really am. But this movie wasn't funny, and the story had no hook. The best part of it was this scene (see below), but only because I love the song. My stepdad, Tim Allan, was the guitar and banjo coach for the film, and alas, not even his brilliance could save it.
Jean-Claude can't act, all right? He can do a perfect split. He can rock a mullet. He can wear high-waisted jeans like nobody's business. But he cannot act, so please don't have him playing TWO characters.
The Best Worst Movie Ever. Elizabeth Berkley's terrible acting, combined with her spastic nekkid dancing, Kyle MacLachlan's annoying flop of hair (cut it or wear a bandana, dude), and Gina Gershon's man-eating (and woman-eating) fake drawl – I honestly couldn't look away. I saw this in the theater with friends when it first came out, and cry-laughed the whole time. I've seen it a few more times since on TV. Whenever I feel bad about myself, I always think, "It could be worse. I could be Nomi in Showgirls."
Comment on this post to win a signed hardcover of CREEP! I'm giving away books all month long.
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This list is shockingly bad and show a lack of culture
ReplyDeleteThen it's perfect for a "Worst Movies Ever" blogfest, wouldn't you say?
ReplyDeleteWhat a great reviewer you are! But I kind of liked The Perfect Storm, even with Clooney.
ReplyDeleteThat first commenter...did somone miss the point, or are they expressing disbelief that you've seen these films?
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with so much of this list. And I haven't seen the other ones. The Perfect Storm was almost on my list and for the same reason. If it's a true story, who told it?
SHOWGIRLS was brilliant trash! Nekkid All About Eve! I watched it with my sister once and she started doing Flipper imitations during the pool scene...
ReplyDelete@Nancy: I enjoyed the movie but the ending just left me irritated! It was entertaining, though.
ReplyDelete@Karen: I suspect Anon missed the point. What can you do.
@Lisa: I just spit out my water! FLIPPER! HAHAHA
Excellent choices. I object to Double Impact being on the list though, twice the JCV is twice the awesomeness. Plus he's made much worse.
ReplyDeletemood
Moody Writing
@mooderino
I vaguely recall Showgirls being loved as a great terrible movie by someone else, and it's appeared on another person's list. . . kinda makes me want to see it, which is the opposite of how I should feel, right?
ReplyDeleteROFL, was the first comment supposed to be funny? I keep hearing it as spoken by Dan Ackroyd in Trading Places. "I had the most absurd dream... I was poor and nobody liked me."
ReplyDeleteAnd hey! I enjoyed some of those bad movies. I mean, Congo and Remo are both so hokey. I like them like I like the occasional ugly dog. Sometimes they're so ugly, they're cute.
Great list. Can't believe you watched Justin and Kelly. Wow.
ReplyDeleteYour take on Unstoppable is dead on. One fat guy too slow to catch and stop a train = entire plot.
Wow they sound like really good terrible movies! I've never seen any of them but I'm kinda glad for that!
ReplyDeleteI didn't hate The Perfect Storm (tho we saw it with a friend who slept thru most of it which I found to be amazing since all those waves were so freaking loud). I'd recommend reading the book by Sebastian Junger which I thought was amazing!
ReplyDeleteLol, is it sad that I LOVED Double Impact as a kid? Had a huge crush on JCVD, too. :)
ReplyDeleteSome good picks, although I did like Unstoppable. Have you read the book The Perfect Storm? It's excellent.
ReplyDeleteThanks for participating in the blogfest!
I'm not sure what this means about my taste level but I've actually seen the Matrix one and the Perfect Storm. While I agree with you about the second and third Matirx (loved the first one ) I absolutely loved Perfect Storm. I guess the story line got me and I forgot to pay attention to the acting lol.
ReplyDeleteThe few I've seen I totally agree. Thankfully, I haven't seen many of those. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen Children of the Corn since I was a child, so I will take your word for it. Remo Williams though. That was great. Well bad but so bad it was good. I watched unstoppable and was entertained.
ReplyDeleteDouble impact signaled the end of JKVDs career.
I've been following this blogfest...and just like on all the other blogs...I've never seen any of the above movies. Hmm? Maybe I don't have a life?
ReplyDeleteWe are huge JCVD fans in our house, so I have to stick up for Double Impact. I also have to stick up for Remo Williams. I watched this movie with my boys more times than I can count. Yeah, it's not Oscar worthy, but it has a charm thanks to Joel Gray.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, it's funny how television screen actors and/or super models or even singers try their hand in the big screen and bomb!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning! :)
♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥
Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?
YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!
@Anonymous: The lack of name or back up examples to your comment displays intellectual dishonesty and cowardice.
ReplyDeleteThat said...LOVE GURU was incredibad. Showgirls was more than meets the eye, but the borderline-porno scenes were a bit intense. I mean dry humping Kyle McLachlan of all people...
OMG, we have Justin and Kelly and Showgirls in common. I was so close to putting Perfect Storm on my list because it was just so sad and depressing. Children of the Corn freaks me out, though. Great list!
ReplyDeleteMatrix3 was a BIG letdown for me. Almost as bad as the Star Wars prequels -- but maybe not quite.
ReplyDeleteYour list is a good one! The last matrix movie was a total waste of time. It sucked! I liked The Perfect Storm. I'm in the same boat on Congo, it was such a letdown. Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteThese movies have at least one redeeming quality--they inspired your wonderfully witty post. :) Congratulations, Carrie, on winning a copy of Creep. You just can't start a Monday off much better than that!
ReplyDeleteI thought Showgirls was a new era classic myself.....not!
ReplyDeletechildren of the corn scared me when i was younger... the matrix sequals was my favorite it was the downer and destructive nature it was meant to be. everybody dies, but we knew the oracal knew that the whole time...
ReplyDelete:)
i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!
jeremy
twothumbseightfingers.blogspot.com
From Justin to Kelly! LOL!
ReplyDeleteShowgirls is making a lot of people's lists today!
ReplyDeleteHaha, love this list! Can't believe you saw From Justin to Kelly--I kind of want to watch it now. :)
ReplyDeleteJennifer - you are so funny. Loved your descritpion of Matrix Revolutions. LOL. It cracks me up you've seen #6. Can't say that I have, but now I kind of want to.
ReplyDeleteGreat list Jenny!! Was The Perfect Storm that bad? I think Glitter would give Showgirls a run for their money from what I hear. I don't know that I've seen either though!
ReplyDeleteI'm embarrassed just admitting I've seen Love Guru, but my friends make me do stupid things. It's beyond bad. I do want to see Unstoppable, though. I thought the previews looked interesting.
ReplyDeleteDammit! That first commenter totally stole what I was going to say.lol Ok, not really.
ReplyDeleteThis is a truly awesome worst movie list. Some of them are so bad even I haven't seen them. But Showgirls...oh yes I know it well. It's like a car wreck you just can't stop watching in total horror.
I also forgive your King comment. Because there was just no excuse for Children of the Corn or Pet Cemetary.
One of the worst things about Congo was the killer gorilla methods--they cymballed peoples heads with rocks? You've got to be kidding me. ;P
ReplyDeleteI found Perfect Storm and Unstoppable to be well made and fairly entertaining. Matrix Revolutions I can accept because the series was good. It reminded me of the Planet of the Apes sequel where the underground cult was worshiping the atomic bomb. Neither film would stand alone but as part of a series I can tolerate both.
ReplyDeleteShowgirls was the train wreck that Unstoppable could have had in the end. I was compelled to keep watching and I didn't think it was quite as bad as so many people were making it out to be, but that's just me.
Lee
Tossing It Out
Ha Ha. I've just reviewed Double Impact and .......I enjoyed it !!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's worse - the fact that you remembered From Justin to Kelly or the fact that I recognized it immediately. It's almost as bad as admitting I used to own the VHS of The Spice Girls movie.
ReplyDeletewe had 2 of the same picks (Justin to Kelly and Love Guru)
ReplyDeleteCongo and Perfect Storm both great books
Totally agree with you regarding Matrix Revolutions and the Perfect Storm.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great list. Matrix Revolutions was just terrible - such a great concept for the first movie and a complete letdown by the last movie. After that, X-Men: Last Stand, and the third Spiderman, I have almost become convinced that trilogies are a bad idea.
ReplyDelete"Showgirls" is one of my most hated movies. I didn't hate the plot because I could understand it, but I TOTALLY hated the acting. Too horrible!
ReplyDeleteI had high hopes for all of Michael Crichton's books made into movies. They ruined all of them.
ReplyDeleteEveryone hates Showgirls though.
Great list.
HMG
WTF is up with anonymous commenters? Anyways... laughing out loud as usual. I am loving this blogfest, though I didn't participate. You gotta admit, Chris Pine is fantastically good looking, which is almost enough reason to watch Unstoppable... and I love me some Denzel, too. Ha, don't you love watching movies from when you were a kid and wondering what you were smoking? Oh, and I hated the Perfect Storm too, because I hate movies that make me cry. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't stop watching.
ReplyDeleteAhahahaha! Children of the Corn! Good times watching the movie over and over again! I concur with your choices!
ReplyDeleteYour reviews had me laughing to point of the tears. You are so funny. You really need a show where you review movies.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm seriously surprised by how many people saw From Justin to Kelly. Maybe even more surprised how many people are ADMITTING it. I can't believe I missed out on that one!!
I'm actually one of those who didn't care for the first Matrix movie, and so I didn't bother sitting through the trilogy. I saw the movie for all the reasons though at the time, and so that may have skewered my perception of the first installment somewhat.
ReplyDeleteJust watched Unstoppable the other night, yep complete trash, so is Unstoppable staring Wesley Snipes, maybe it's the name huh?
ReplyDeleteFun list Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteChildren of the Corn freaked me out as well, and I was glad I grew up in the hot and dry Plains--nowhere hear corn. Of course, now I live in an area surrounded by corn fields.
Ah so I must be a good movie picker, then, as I haven't seen any of these! Like you, though, I've heard really awful things about Showgirls and a couple of the ones you've mentioned here. :o)
ReplyDeleteNo mention of Love, Actually?
ReplyDeleteYou know? I never thought about the whole Perfect Storm controversy. Who the hell did tell the story and how will we ever really know if it's true? Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteMatrix Revolutions. SIGH. They should have quit while they were ahead. Still love Keanu, though :D
ReplyDelete